I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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