I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
