so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
