Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
