I swear she didn't look like that last week.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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