Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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