did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
