just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
