I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
