His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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