they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
