I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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