Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
