where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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