Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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