I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
