Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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