You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
