somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You dont lie about slip and slides
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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