I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
