plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
