cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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