mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
