my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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