If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize