$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
