just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
