So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
