Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
