Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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