we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
