i don't like sucking hair
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
