I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
