worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
