Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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