Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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