I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
