Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
