I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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