I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
