3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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