I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
