I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
