yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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