Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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