oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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