I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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