smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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