dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I could fuck to npr.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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