why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
