his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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