Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
