awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
