Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
