I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
