You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
