Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
