Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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