I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
