dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
