How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Someone came in the potted fern
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
