I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
