Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
